


Suzaku's Absolution

by DigiAndromeda



Series: Punishment (& Abs0luti0n) [2]
Category: Code Geass
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Spoilers for Code Geass: Lelouch of the Re;surrection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 03:34:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19759759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigiAndromeda/pseuds/DigiAndromeda
Summary: Suzaku wasn't a sleep talker but sometimes when he was stressed, or having a nightmare, things slipped out. And after overhearing a particularly bad nightmare Nunnally knew there where words that needed to be said.(No pairings/ships)





	1. Forgivness

**Author's Note:**

> this started out being inspired by a scene in the Code Geass Stage 0 Light novel but since i was writing by the seat of my pants it took a mind of it's own and became something else entirely! XD in the novel it's revealed that there was another reason behind Suzaku's patricide, which made his actions take on a whole new level of twisted irony.
> 
> I wrote this in my notes on my iphone so if there is any spelling or grammar mistakes please forgive me. Spell check on Iphones are a... witch.

There where times when Nunnally was grateful that she had once been blind. Because without her eyesight her other senses become stronger and even after opening her eyes her senses remained strong.

Which was why she could hear the things people wanted to keep hidden from her.

Gossip from the maids in the room across the hall, political whispers during meetings, soldier’s ruckus from the mess hall, and most importantly, the sleep talking of her Knight.

He never talked about himself or tried to explain things away. He still refused to answer certain questions.

He never hesitated to remind her that he was Zero and that Suzaku Kururugi was dead…

But he couldn’t hide the truth in his sleep..

When traveling Zero always stayed in the room adjacent to hers, which gave her ears full access to the sound of him sleeping, his breathing… his sleep talking.

Normally, he was a very quiet sleeper; only sleep talking when he was frustrated with something or someone and even then it was barely louder then a whisper.

Even his nightmares were quite…

But she could hear him, as if he was next to her, and She took it all in.

His breathing, his grumbling, his fears, his gasping breath…

She learned a lot about her old friend from listening to him sleep…

Sometimes it was about wanting to throttle someone for causing to much trouble at work, sometimes it was about her stubbornness and other times…

Other times it was about Euphie, or Lelouch… sometimes it was even about their time as children…

She realized a lot about the horrors her friend saw as a child… she learned a lot from Suzaku’s pained whispers…

And tonight was no different.

She had learned to wake up at the sounds of her friend’s sleeping distress so, when the sound of terrified pleading reached her ears she woke quickly but groggily.

She was confused for a moment.

“Please… Father…” the whisper drifted towards her, frightened and panicked. “Please… please… don’t…”

The young Empress shot up in bed. Closing her eyes, she listened.

“Don’t…tho’ two…” Suzaku’s voice clung to her ears, “please… Don’t…”

she scrunched her face in worry. Tonight was different. She had never heard him sound this afraid before…

she looked at her wheelchair and hesitated only for a moment before using her hands to move herself towards it.

She could call Sayako but… if she did that then Suzaku might wake from the sound.

Plus, she doubted he’d want her maid to see him distressed.

So Nunnally did something truly foolish.

She tired to slip into her wheelchair all by herself. In the dark.

A thunk, bump, and slide later, she found herself half-on, half-off her chair, staring at the ceiling.

 _Good news,_ she thought to herself, _I did it. And quietly as well._ With some difficulty, She pulled herself upright into the chair. _Bad news, I’m probably going to have some new bruises tomorrow…_

She moved the wheelchair out into the penthouse living room and was rewarded with the sight of her friend on the couch. And, not for the first time, she realized what a blessing her sight was…

Because if she couldn’t see, she wouldn’t have been able to truly understand the sight in front of her.

Suzaku was laid out on his back, left hand gripping his chest, right arm dangling off the couch. He still wore Zero’s uniform but the helmet and cravat where on the table while he used the cape as a blanket.

But what stood out to her was his face…

Pale and clammy, sweat beading along his cheekbones, and tears slipping from beneath his eyelids… his face was scrunched up it what she clearly knew was terror… pure, uncontrollable terror…

“Please…” he mumbled so desperately, “Don’t… harm… ‘ose… ‘wo…” his right hand reached up, grabbing at whatever was haunting him.

Nunnally moved closer, thankful that Sukazu no longer woke up to the sound of her wheelchair. She placed herself by the arm of the couch, next to his head, and debated on whether she should wake him up.

She wanted to rescue him from his nightmare, but no matter how gently she tried to wake him, there was a fifty percent chance of him waking in a panic.

“Please… Father…” his quiet groans continued, “Don’t… harm…those… two…”

That caught Nunnally’s attention.

_His father? And “those two”? That means Brother and myself, right? The nightmare must be about our childhood but… I don’t remember the Prime Minister trying to harm us…_

“Father… Don’t…” He was repeating the same thing over and over again. As if he was stuck in a loop, continuously repeating the same nightmare.

Or maybe he was reliving something? Something from their childhood?

“Suzaku?” She decided to take a chance and called out to him quietly. “Suzaku, please wake up.” She gently placed her hand on his cheek and was surprised when that didn’t wake him.

But it did something.

“Father, I won’t… let you…” he wasn’t repeating himself anymore but his hand was flexing itself as if holding onto something.

“Suzaku.” She tried again, patting his cheek. “Please wake up.”

“I won’t… let you… hurt them…” he was shifting now, as if struggling with something.

“Sukazu!” She raised her voice and shook his shoulders. She wasn’t very loud but it did the trick.

“NO!” Suzaku’s eyes snapped open and he bolted up. Eyes wide, he gripped his chest with both hands as his breathing became ragged.

Nunnally moved her wheelchair to the corner of the couch so she could reach over and touch his back.

“Suzaku?” She meant for her touch to be soothing but instead he recoiled away from her with a flinch.

He stared at her, eyes wide, and she realized he wasn’t fully awake and coherent.

“Suzaku, it’s me, Nunnally.” She tried again, this time more slowly.

He didn’t moved as she placed a hand on his arm. He was trembling but his body began to relax.

“Nun…nally?” He asked.

“Hm,” she hummed her acknowledgment with a smile. “You where having a nightmare.”

“Nightmare?” He placed a hand on his head.

“Yes.”

“Just,” he began, “a Nigh-hurk!“ But he didn’t finish. Suddenly his hand flew to his mouth and he tried to fly off the bed. But his legs were tangled in the cape and he fell off instead.

“Suza-!” Nunnally flinched at the sound of retching. “Oh… Suzaku…”

Sayoko appeared at their side and kneeled next to Suzaku, handing him a wastebasket.

He took it without a word and continued to heave into it.

Nunnally moved to his side, while Sayoko left, and began to rub his back.

It was a bit hard to do from the wheelchair but she was determined to help her friend anyway possible.

They remained this way until Suzaku had nothing left in stomach. Nunnally watched as he tried to hold back the dry heaving.

Sayoko returned with a mop, bucket of water, some wet hand towels, and a beer mug filled with water.

She handed a wet towel and the beer mug to Suzaku, who immediately used the water to rinse out his mouth. Once he had finished he pulled himself back onto the couch, somewhat curling up on the side furthest from the mess.

“Sorry, Sayoko-San…” he breathed tiredly, wiping his whole face with the towel.

“Pay it no mind,” she gave him a gentle smile and retrieved the towel from him, “I will have it cleaned by morning.”

“Thank you…” he closed his eyes and leaned his head against the arm of the couch.

Nunnally moved to the corner of the couch and placed her hand on his head.

“They say that if you talk about a nightmare with someone you will feel better.” Nunnally spoke gently as she ran her fingers through his curls.

Suzaku looked at her with half lidded eyes. Eyes… that looked like they held no soul.

He closed them again, leaning into her touch.

“It’s fine…” he mumbled. “It doesn’t matter anymore…”

“But-“ she tried to protest.

“The only thing that matters is that Lelouch was right. The past is the past. I can’t change it… it doesn’t matter.” His voice was void of life and feelings. “Besides… despite it all… I would still make the same choice…”

“Choice?” She asked somewhat encouragingly, hoping for him to slip up and answer her.

“Despite knowing what would happen… I would still do it…” he looked her in the eyes and gingerly cupped her face in one hand. “At that time… I would choose you and Lelouch over anyone… over my family, my teachers, even over all of Japan…”

Nunnally swallowed the lump in her throat.

“But that just shows what a horrible monster I am…” he concluded.

“Your not-!” Her protest died at the look in Suzaku’s eyes.

Dead.

Resigned to the fact that he was a horrible person.

Nunnally frowned deeply.

She knew all of what Suzaku had done and yes, it was horrible… but she also knew that he had been broken and shattered.

She closed her eyes and moved her wheelchair as close to the couch as she could.

“Sayoko-San, would you help me please?” She motioned towards the couch, to the spot next to Suzaku.

“Of course, my lady.”

Sayoko stood up and helped Nunnally onto the couch.

Suzaku had closed his eyes and was mostly likely to tired to help but that didn’t bother Nunnally.

“Thank you.” She smiled at her maid once she was on the couch.

“You’re welcome.” Sayoko Bowed before returning to cleaning.

Nunnally reached over to Suzaku and grabbed hold of his arms. His eyes opened as she pulled herself closer and closer.

Suzaku lifted his head a little to look at her. With a strength and determination that belied her appearance she pulled herself up onto Suzaku’s side.

Laying her head on his upper arm, she wrapped her right arm around him and held him tightly.

She supposed she should be embarrassed about this but… Suzaku was one of two people she had no qualms about cuddling with. She mildly wondered if it was because of all the times they did so as children.

But that was something she could think on later. Right now she had something important to say. Something her friend needed to hear.

“Suzaku?” She whispered, a small smile on her face.

“Hm?” He still had the tired, lifeless look about his face.

“You’re not a monster to me.” She closed her eyes and listened to his heart. “As long as you’ve realized your mistakes and truly wish to make up for them then… then you can be forgiven.”

She heard him take a sharp breath but she didn’t give him time to respond.

“But in order for forgiveness to come, you must be willing to change. You must accept your mistakes and never repeat them.” His heart was beating faster. “No more betrayals, no more lying, no more selfish desires. But most importantly, no more self-deprecation. How can you forgive yourself if you keep hating yourself?”

“Ninnally… I can’t-“

“How can anyone else forgive you if you don’t forgive yourself?”

She wasn’t berating him or trying to lecture him but she had to at least make him think about her words.

Slowly but surely they had all been healing in their own ways. Suzaku, Kallen, herself, and many others.

But Suzaku’s nightmares would always reopen his wounds and pull him into a deep depression.

Nunnally couldn’t allow that to keep happening.

“I don’t…Want-” Suzaku fumbled for a bit before going quiet. He let out a small sigh and she felt his body go limp. “Forgiveness is something I don’t deserve…”

“Everyone deserves forgiveness, Suzaku.” Nunnally was surprised at his honesty. He normally kept those sorts of thoughts to himself.

“…” He didn’t say anything but she knew he wasn’t convinced.

She opened her eyes and looked at him.

“Suzaku, my Zero, I forgive you for all the wrongs you’ve done to my Brother and I.”

He snapped to look at her, eyes wide and almost wild. She looked him right in the eyes,

“I forgive you for killing my Brother.”

He looked like he was ready to break, like he wanted to escape from her but couldn’t. She wasn’t strong but her body held him in place. Perhaps the fact he couldn’t bring himself to push her off was proof he was indeed changing.

“You may not want to be forgiven but I’m going to do it anyway. You are important to me Suzaku. One of the few people still left that I can truly call family.” She reached up and held his face gently. “And I know Brother thinks the same.”

And just like that… Nunnally broke Suzaku.


	2. Duality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nunnally was effortlessly ripping out Suzaku’s seams and sewing him up again, into a new and better person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the only problem with using 'writing things by the seat of your pants' for fanfiction is keeping everyone in character. oof! i'm not sure if i managed that but this thing took a life of it's own and i wanted to see it through to the end.
> 
> Miner spoilers for the Re;surrection movie
> 
> (This isn't meant to be romantic. it's supposed to be platonic but take it as you will.)

Suzaku’s hands flew to his face as he tried to stop the dark, twisting, churning emotions inside of him. He curled up onto his side as his hands practically clawed at his eyes. He tried to hold everything back; his tears, his cries, his fears, his disgust.

The memories from his nightmare slammed into him like a hot knife. He tried to hold it all in, to stay calm.

But he couldn’t.

Nunnally’s words echoed throughout his mind and everything he had been holding in began to seep out.

Tears and hitched breath escaped him.

He felt Nunnally slip off his side and land next to his back. He wanted to escape from her, to hide from her but he couldn’t. Her small hand gripped his shoulder and didn’t let go.

She had no physical strength but somehow it felt like the heaviest thing in the world.

“Why?” He gasped, “why are you doing this to me?”

He knew it was a horrible thing to ask, to try and turn this whole debacle on her.

“Because,” her hand ran soothingly through his hair, “you’re important to me. I understand now, everything that has happened to us; to you, to me… to Brother.”

He bit his lip. He didn’t want to think about Lelouch right now. He thought he could handle the memories the nightmare had brought back but he was wrong.

He had tried so hard to forget everything that he forgot something important.

He had always been willing to kill for Lelouch and Nunnally.

Even as a child…

That memory, that realization… just made everything else he had ever done in his life even more deplorable then it already was.

And now everything inside him was twisting and churning. A pain he was trying to forget, a pain that was driving him insane.

He was failing at holding himself together, embarrassed and mortified at how easily he could still break.

And all it took was a few kind words from Nunnally while he was at his worst.

He had let go of everything but everything still haunted him. And even though he had finally received the punishment he so desperately wanted the pain had never left him.

He wanted to make up for his sins, to be forgiven but everything he had tried just spiraled out of control and ended up twisted.

He desperately wanted forgiveness but he didn’t deserve it.

“I understand,” her voice, sweet but deadly, broke into his head, “and that’s why I want to forgive you. Because I understand why Brother did what he did and why you became so twisted.” She held him from behind, her frame small against his back. She was warm and fragile but her words pierced him like a sword.

“Just like Brother left me in your care, he also left you in mine.” Her hand traveled to Suzaku’s heart and she pressed against it. “I know we can’t go back to how things were but we can rebuild ourselves and each other. We have a chance to start over.”

His heart was beating rapidly and his sobs were quite but unstable. Every word she said was something he already knew, something a part of him didn’t want to hear while another part of him did.

“I hate to see you suffering, Suzaku. There’s to much of that in our pasts already.”

 _But isn’t that the point?_ He wanted to scream. _Isn’t the point of punishments to suffer?_

“Brother left you to me, so I will rebuild you.” She continued. “Even if Suzaku Kururugi no longer exists, together we will rebuild you. A new Zero, a new you.”

“That’s not fair, Nunnally…” He chocked back. “Don’t I get a say in all this?”

“No.” Her voice was firm and left no room for arguments. But it was not cold. “I’ll repeat myself over and over until you believe it.”

“Don’t…” he begged but he knew she’d ignore it.

“I forgive you, Suzaku. You’re not a monster anymore.”

He cried, ashamed at his weakness. Ashamed he could still cry. Ashamed that just a few words from Nunnally were enough to affect him like this.

And…

He was ashamed at how much he was clinging to her words, desperate to hear them in his temporary insanity.

He hated them. He wanted them

They healed him, they tore him apart.

And she new it.

She was breaking him at his seams and stitching him together again.

And he was too tired to fight it. Emotionally, mentally, and physically tired.

He just didn’t care anymore but she did.

And it hurt.

She felt like acid on his back.

But her hand felt soothing over his heart.

Her words were poisonous but sweet.

He was twisting inside, warring with himself, and falling apart.

And it was Nunnally’s fault.

The nightmare had set him on edge and she had tipped him over it.

But she was also the only thing holding him together… almost literally.

“Suzaku?” She called and He braced himself for whatever she said next. “Thank you for protecting me and Lelouch when we were little.” something seized up inside of him.

“Wh-what?” A new fear squeezed inside him.

“I don’t know the details but I have enough pieces of the puzzle to put some things together.”

“Puzzle?” His fingers dug into his skin as dread creeped over him.

“…” She didn’t answer him. Instead she reached up and gently brushed his hands from his face.

“Nunnally?” He called uncertainly. “Hey, Nunnally, what… are you talking about?” he had to find out how much she knew.

But she still didn’t reply.

“Nunnally? Nunnally?! Hey!” Unknown panic gripped his heart and he finally found the strength to move. He uncurled his body and tuned onto his back. As he moved, He felt Nunnally shift as well.

She was now wedged between his side and the back of the couch, her arm reached across his chest and gripped his shoulder. Her eyes where closed as she leaned her head on his other shoulder.

“Nunnally?” His voice sounded ready to break again. “Hey… Nunnally?”

Finally she opened her eyes and looked at him.

And he wished she hadn’t.

Her eyes shined with so many unspoken words.

Sadness, understanding, warmth, strength, determination, affection, and…

Forgiveness.

Suzaku’s breathes hitched as he realized he’d fallen for her trap. He had been curled up, hiding from the world but she tricked him into looking at her.

She wanted him to face her, so he could see the truth in her eyes.

He tried to turn back around but she put all her weight on him, pulling at his shoulder.

He could turn around if he wanted but… Nunnally could get hurt…

Instead he leaned all the way back and covered his eyes with his arms.

“Why?” The churning, squeezing darkness inside him began to swell up again. “Please, stop.” He begged. “Please let me go…”

“No, Suzaku.” He could feel her eyes on him. She reached up and pulled one of his arms down. “Please look at me. I have one last thing left to say.”

“No…” he almost whimpered.

“Suzaku, Please.” Her hand cupped his face, her thumb brushing away his tears.

Her hand both stung him and soothed him.

“Suzaku, I’m not trying to hurt you…” her voice sounded sad. “Please Suzaku. You trust me don’t you?”

She was trapping him again, not giving him a choice.

“Trust isn’t,” his breath shuddered, “isn’t the issue…”

“Suzaku, please. It’s just one last thing.” She let go of his face and he felt her moving again, pushing and pulling her upper body onto his. Once she was situated, she moved his other arm away and leaned over him.

Face to face, he couldn’t look away anymore.

She smiled at him sadly and almost apologetically.

“Suzaku, it goes without saying that my Brother is my greatest treasure. However, excluding him, I have another great treasure. One more important to me then anything. One I would do almost anything for.”

Suzaku tensed up, he didn’t want her to continue. Yet at the same time he did.

She cupped his face in both hands and looked him straight in the eyes.

“You.” She said it so simply, with a soft, bright smile. It was if she was sharing the biggest secret in the world with him. “Suzaku, You are also my greatest treasure.”

He wanted to shove her off and run. To hide in some far off corner of the world.

Yet…

He also wanted to hold her close and never let go. To childishly accept her forgiveness and cling to her kindness.

His face once again scrunched up as his last little bit of self-control fell away. All the pent up emotions he had been holding in all this time finally broke free. The pains from the past, the pains from Zero Requiem, the pain of failing to protect Nunnally, the pain of seeing Lelouch again, and the pain of living… it all escaped him.

\- - -

Sayoko watched from another room as Nunnally wrapped her arms around Suzaku’s neck and hugged him.

The young man returned her hug, his hands digging into her back. He was crying in earnest with silent, barely noticeable sobs racking his body.

Sayoko gave a small smile before closing the door and returning to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed it! thank you for reading!  
> before i forget, the thing that originally inspired me to write this was Suzaku's 2nd reason for committing Patricide. apparently, in the stage 0 light novel Prime Minister Kururugi was going to kill Nunnally in what could only be called a political move. despite Suzaku's begging, his father knocked him aside and planed to go through with the plan. suffice to say the prime minister never left that room alive.
> 
> i'm not sure how canon this is but i feel it gives more depth to Suzaku and makes all that he does that much more desperate and painful.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! please let me know if you see any spelling or/and grammar mistakes!


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